The Universe has Spoken

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Kid's Shows I Would Like to See

We don't get very many channels that feature kid's shows.  We get PBS, RetroTeletoon and Disney Junior.  No Treehouse, no Nickalodeon and no children's tier of channel selection.  I actively avoid the most annoying shows like Caillou and Special Agent Oso.  Yet there are still many, many shows I hate.  I actively hate the Dinosaur Train.  Who thought of that?  What kind of shitty paleontologist is Scott that he will give out dinosaur facts but never once mention that there were no trains or time travel back then?  He must have missed a day in university.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: The Lawsuit
The Looney Tunes gang sues the Disney gang over access to the clubhouse.  After they are admitted on anti-discrimination laws Elmer Fudd goes berserk and starts shooting.  Starting with Daisy.

The Land Before Time: The K/T Boundary
A giant meteorite hits the Earth wiping out all the dinosaurs.  Six minute episode.  Tops.

The Dinosaur Train: Buddy Grows Up
One morning Buddy wakes up and realizes that he is a T-Rex.  He eats the Ptaranadon family. 
Then gets hit by a giant meteorite.

Strawberry Shortcake: The Big Freeze
Frost kills all the crops in Very Bitty City. No supplies lead to a slow starvation. No more vapid laughter. In good news Blueberry Muffin was away and survives.

Thomas and Friends: The Toxic Spill
Thomas is derailed and his cargo is a toxic chemical that causes the island of Sodor to be declared a wasteland.  All of the trains must remain on the island.  Did I mention that the chemical spilled all over Sir Toppham Hatt?  He melts!

Choo Choo Soul: The Engineer gets some Street Cred
How many people would the engineer have to kill in order to get some respect as a real rapper?  Can you even recover from rapping on a cartoon train?  Count the victims!  Math skills!

Scooby Doo: Meets a Real Monster
Watch as Scooby and the gang try to unmask a real bear!  Hilarity ensues as the body parts rain down!

Handy Manny: Mr Lopart's Background Check
Would you leave your children alone with Mr. Lopart?  I sure wouldn't.  Something is not right with that guy.  Can the police figure it out?

Curious George: A Visit to the Zoo
The man in the yellow hat takes George to the zoo and leaves him there.  In a cage.  Poor George, there is not much too be curious about in a cell. 
In a follow-up episode every scientific body on the planet refuses to acknowledge the man with the yellow hat and he is outed as just some crazy guy with a monkey fetish and a lot of yellow clothes.  Maybe the police officer from Sheetrock Hills can take a closer look in a crossover episode.

Which Kid is Weird????

I get frustrated with my toddler because she is so busy.  My husband finds her exasperating.   Every one at our regular hangouts knows her full name.   The gymnastics teacher knew her name within seconds.  One little girl at playschool even said, "that girl didn't listen."

So far my toddler's day has gone like this:

• woke up around 6:30
• threw sippy cup when ran out of chocolate milk
• temper tantrum
• fought with sister over spot on couch
• hugged cat*
• refused breakfast
• climbed in laundry basket on kitchen table to pet cat
• temper tantrum when removed from laundry basket
• turned out bathroom light while I was in the shower
• threw sippy cup when discovered it empty
• hugged cat
• temper tantrum when sister turned off TV
• refused to get hair combed
• ran away in Chapters
• helped herself in Starbucks
• temper tantrum when I tried to help her drink her hot chocolate
• ran away in Starbucks
• temper tantrum when sister got out of car first
• temper tantrum when couldn't get her boots off
• hugged cat
• pushed chair over to oven to help me make lunch
• temper tantrum when chair moved away from stove
• pushed chair over to counter and ate kiwi off her plate while I was cooking lunch
• refused actual lunch including the replacement kiwi
• temper tantrum over no dessert
• dumped out laundry basket to play in
• hugged cat
• threw book at me in hopes I would read it
• nap

The more I deal with her though the more I realize it is my three year old that is odd.

Her day so far:

• woke up around 7:15
• fought with sister over spot on couch
• watched TV
• read books 
• ate breakfast
• read books
• got dressed
• went to Chapters and Starbucks
• read her new book
• threw bumble bee toy around
• ate lunch
• had dessert
• watched Monsters VS Aliens while reading books
• nap

Now don't get me wrong, she can be trouble as well.  She just does it differently.  She is more of a scam artist.  Her sister is just much more direct.  Which will cause a reversal in source of stress for me when they are teenagers.


*Hugging cat is the nice way of saying what she does.  One cat is definitely harmed in each of their encounters.

Got Junk? Not anymore! Well maybe a little...

Our basement no longer looks like an episode from Hoarders.  Despite what my husband says.  I am a huge packrat.  I keep things the kids may use.  Things that can be made into crafts.  Old letters.  Books I may read again.  Clothes that will one day fit.  Every CD I ever owned.  Books I haven't read.

Here is a list of things I did not find in the basement:

• a dead mouse or any other vermin - a must have for anyone on Hoarders.
• one flip flop -the other one finally got thrown out.
• the pulsating spider egg sack from arachnophobia -Anytime I clean someplace dark I am afraid of finding that thing.
• my 505 spray glue - I have lost at least 2 cans of that stuff, where could it be going?  At first I thought my husband was hiding it from me in an attempt to get me to clean up the basement but now I think it must be getting sucked into some vortex.
• loose socks - although I did find a pair of dirty socks by my husband's golf bag-EWWWWW
• a skeleton - I saw some TV show as a kid (that I swear was Newhart) where they found a skeleton while moving a wall and it remains a concern for me.
• treasure - wouldn't it be great to find a Picasso or a wad of cash?  No luck though.

Parent of the Year

Today I took Chickenbutt to the library for a program.  We were early so we chose a few books.
As we are reading the tarantula book, that she picked out, she starts crying.
Me: Why are you crying?
Chickenbutt: I don't want the tarantula with orange striped legs to bite me.
Me: He won't, it is too cold here for tarantulas.
Chickenbutt: Does he bite?
Me: Yep, but he doesn't live here because it is too cold.
Chickenbutt: I don't want him to bite.
Me: He won't, it is too cold for tarantulas here.
Chickenbutt: (louder and whinier) Will he bite?
Me: Nope. 
Keep in mind that she LOVES spiders and is full of spider facts but the program was during nap time so she was likely over-tired.
All of this was witnessed by a mom who was glaring at me and whom I run into at numerous other places.

Not Today Hugh

Yesterday a random neighbourhood boy came by.  I am not sure what house he belongs to.  He was about 5, had glasses and a bit of a speech impediment.  He rang my door bell and asked if I had any kids and could he play with them.  I explained that they were too little to be playing out side alone.  We have also dug up our yard so there is really nowhere to play right now.  I did not, but probably should have, explain that the Wolverine glove he was wearing did not make for a great first impression. 

Although if Hugh Jackman came around it may be a different story....

Indoor Fun

Today I took the girls to the indoor playground.  I have a few concerns about this activity.

First of all, I should get the timid rate.  Chickenbutt will not do anything if there is too many kids.  She likes to get good at one thing and do that over and over until it is time to go.  I was quite proud of her today though, she tried about 3 things.   She used approximately 1/16 of the entire play space.  Then she announced when there were too many kids  for her comfort level at which point we had to leave.

Secondly, there should be more access points.  There is nothing I like better then crawling up into the tubes to get Wren.   She is not so timid but not quite as adventurous as I would have thought.  She dislikes when other kids touch her.  I actually told some kids to give her a nudge down the slide and she freaked out.  Poor kids were scared, Wren was just being a suck.

Thirdly, parents need to supervise their kids.  I know that with my two I will not be sitting around reading or playing on my ancient phone.  I have friends who could leave their kids at the building and come back in a hour to find their kids happy and safe.  Then there are the other people.  If you have a kid that is going to be whipping balls at the little kids, he needs supervision.  If your kid is about 11 and is built and acts like a brick shit house, he needs supervision.  Biters, supervision.  Spitter should just stay home.   If you as a parent are not sure, supervise your kid.  If you have ever accused the teacher/swim coach/dance instructor/etc of picking on your kid, he needs supervision!

Finally, you must wear socks in this place.  I stepped in something wet.  In my socks.  EWWWW!

Good News????

Weight Watchers lets you count house cleaning as activity.  I got to add it to my favourites.

Not only do I get to enjoy the thrill of pulling out the couch and finding an old sippy cup but now I can eat some extra food as a reward.  I wonder how much house work it takes to earn a Blizzard? 

Holy crap...way too much...this house will just have to stay sticky!

So many trademarks in this short post!

A Math Problem

A family of four purchases a case of nine mangoes and two pounds of blueberries. 
Twenty-four hours later there are four mangoes and half a pound of blueberries.
Who will poop their pants first?

There is no need to show your work.

An Open Letter to my Body

Changes are coming.  Weight Watchers is working.  Let's try to work together on this.  Enough dropping weight from my boobs.  They are almost even with my stomach now and that is a bit troubling.  Do some ab work you say?  I tried and you complained that day and for a few days afterward.  We have to be a team.  The OBGYN who delivered my baby said I could still (HA!) wear a bikini with the scar.  I am not asking for that, I just want to shop on the normal side of the store.  I want to be able to get clothes at the grocery store.  I want to buy overpriced bras at the lingerie shop not at the specialty shop.  I promise I will reward you with expensive beauty products if we can just work together.  Maybe even a celebratory tattoo!

Thanks!

PS  Please make a decision regarding my face.  It is either chin whiskers or zits.  Both seems to be a bit vindictive.

Smoke Winstons

The other day I was definitely going for cigarettes.  In the going for cigarettes and never coming back sense.

Wren was up all night.  And up early.  She spent most of the afternoon crying.  Any sleep she had was fitful.  And she had to be held.  But she is a face to face sleeper.  She wants to put her cheek on mine or shove her face under my chin.  And she sweats.  Like a nun in a field of cucumbers.

Chickenbutt was miserable.  She wanted anything Wren touched.  And cried whenever she didn't get it. And screamed a lot over minor problems.

Overall the day was miserable.

Wren ended up at the doctor and was put on not one but two inhalers so I guess I can't start smoking.

yet.

Pittsburgh, you're killing me!

It's that time of year.  I hate the first two rounds of hockey playoffs.  At least two games a night.  It is still any one's hockey pool so all games must be watched and analyzed.  And discussed. 

My friends are impressed by my hockey knowledge.  Trust me, I am not trying at all.  It just gets repeated so many times that it starts to sink in.  Then I can spout it out.   If only it worked both ways.
You can be guaranteed that he can't spout off any sewing information.

Hello,

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die!

I recently got a bad haircut.  Every time I see myself in the mirror all I can think about is Inigo Montoya.  Being a child of the late 80's/early 90's I can recite The Princess Bride in its' entirety.  Without stopping for breath or to even think about the lines.  I wanted to name my non-existent son Westley but couldn't since she was a girl and my brother-in-law is Wes (he said he didn't mind!)  I had the music at my wedding. 

I do not know what made me think I should get my hair cut by the same stylist that does my husband's hair.  He has had the same haircut for the last 12 years.  Partly it is laziness.  I have only gotten my hair cut about 4 times since I had kids and when I made Chickenbutt's appointment I thought I might as well get mine done too.  Big mistake.  It only took 15 minutes to do both our hair and she didn't even wet mine. 

Tonight I went to have it fixed.  It is now much too short for my liking and layered but at least I went back to my original stylist and had it STYLED.  Now I can start growing it back again under her supervision. 

Update

Over Easter dinner I let it slip that Wren had coloured on the couch with pen and that I had gotten it off with rubbing alcohol.  Now my dear husband, let's call him Columbo, has declared it his mission to find the spot.  He thought I said that the alcohol took the colour off the couch.  It did not.
I wish I had taken a photo of Wren's handiwork for my own amusement.  It was all over the couch cushion.  All over.  Just like on every TV sitcom I ever saw about when Dad had to take care of the kids by himself.  Loops, swirls and squiggles.  An intricate design showing true artistry.
Good Luck Columbo, you have been sitting on the spot for months.

Awesome Parenting, Generations Edition

So the other night I went out and so did my husband.  Not to the same place mind you, we did not sync his electronic calender with my paper one.** 
 
My parents babysat and when I came home at 11:45 BOTH KIDS WERE UP! 

My mom was cuddling Chickenbutt and she was obviously upset.  It is very unusual for Chickenbutt to be up in the night.  She is a very good sleeper and goes right back to bed even when she sleepwalks.  She must have had some sort of nightmare.  She was up until 2AM.  I could not get her back into her bed without her screaming.  Very odd. 

My dad and Wren were watching The Godfather.  She was quite intent on the TV and was sitting beside him.  Oh good, Sonny is getting shot 487 times.  Careful Fredo, don't get in the boat with Michael.She was up off and on all night and every night since.  Coincidence??

**In case of a dispute the paper calender will be the one that is considered correct.

New Pet Peeve

Crap!

I can't remember what I was complaining about earlier in the day. 

Something has annoyed me.

Not sure what.

Fugitive Status Averted

Monday I went downstairs to do a load of laundry.  Just a quick rearranging of the current loads, no folding or hanging.  I come back upstairs to find that the Wren has written all over the YELLOW leather couch in pen.  Holy Christ.  We are going to have to leave town.  And possibly the country.  Maybe even the continent. 
My husband is always giving me shit for leaving my pens in or on my crossword puzzle books.  Even with the lid on.  Apparently this is why.
Thank Christ for the Internet.  Rubbing alcohol takes ink off leather. 
It also shows just how dirty the leather is by somehow removing only the ink and not the actual dirt.  I am so glad it came out.  There were a few moments when I seriously considered how employable I was in Patagonia.  The Wren is young enough that she could get used to a new first name.

She also wrote all over my crossword.

Awesome Parenting

I am now officially an awesome parent.  Surely there is a website somewhere that will feature me.  I could give classes.
A few nights ago I put the girls to bed, waited for all to be calm and went downstairs to surf the net.  After about an hour I went back upstairs to find that Chickenbutt was still awake, had the light on, had been playing trains and was not looking at all tired.  We generally leave the light on for her for about 10 minutes after she crawls into bed as she likes to read.  Clearly I forgot to turn it out.  I did have the monitor on though so she must have been quiet.  I didn't hear a thing. 
At 3AM the same night the Wren decided to get up and was CHEERY!  She was playing with her toys in her bed.  So I got up, fed her and decided that I was too tired for a long cuddle session so I tossed her back in bed and let her cry it out.  It didn't take that long.
Today I took them to the library.  I let them walk along the library sidewalk in the ice.  I let them wander around the library.  I let the Wren play with the computer.  I banged the Wren's head on the car door trying to wrestle her into the seat, then she lost a boot and she thrashed herself out of the car seat.  Did I mention that she was not wearing mittens or a hat?  She will only wear them inside the house, as soon as we get in the car they come off.
After the library I fed them Happy Meals.  And watermelon so that evens out.
Oh and sometimes I let them eat food off the floor. 
But not at McDonald's.

Sympathy

We are busy potty training Chickenbutt.  It has not been easy.  First of all she was not overly interested until I put Wren on the potty.  Game on. 
Then it was inconsistent.   Some days she would go, some days no.  I am not interested in fighting.
Plus I am not a fan of pull ups (although I will buy one package for outings) because I am cheap (I have a coupon for a free package) and my Chickenbutt is just too skinny.  They will gape.  She will just have to wear tight pants and hope for the best. 
So panties it is.  She is wearing them full time (except to sleep) for the last few days.  Screw the actual potty training, we are going straight to potty trained.  She has had a few accidents but fortunately she likes to read and will spend plenty of time sitting on the toilet.
Next step is using the big toilet.  Again that held no interest until I introduced a little sibling rivalry.  Wren has no fear.  She will sit on the toilet no problem. 
Now here is where the sympathy comes in.  My Chickenbutt is a little perfectionist so she is not a fan of accidents.  However she is also responsible for destroying my bladder control.  Yesterday I coughed for a few seconds and peed my pants.  Full on piss everywhere.  Ok, not everywhere but a new pair of pants was needed.  And my doctor wants to do a full exam since apparently anecdotal pants peeing is not enough to get referred to a specialist. 
Shiiiitttt...well not yet but that better not require a full exam.