Woe is me!

I am not sleeping well. 

I have had "the dream" a couple of times.  The one where you have a final for a class you never went to except in my dream I have TWO finals.  Last night I decided to take a no paper in the chemistry class and cram for the math one.  I figured math would be a whole lot easier to learn in 24 hours.  Plus my husband took my kids skinny dipping in a pool and wasn't supervising them. 

I am going to have another slice of buffalo chicken pizza and go to bed, that should help.

Super Sigh

I am starting to come around to my mom's fear of chin whiskers.  She is worried that no one will pluck them for her in her old age and she will be a bearded old granny.  I am really starting to agree that this is a valid fear and something that one should spend money on. 

Where do they come from? 
Why are they so hard to get out?
Why do I get them?  It is not like I don't have enough hair in other places. 

Although I will not pluck my mom's chin whiskers I will definitely pay someone to do that for her.  And I expect my children to do the same.

TMI

I have two children under three years of age and I care for another child.  Lately some sort of gastro bug has been travelling through our house and it got me to thinking about shit.
Literally.
I am responsible for all of the meals for Chickenbutt and Wren and about 60% of Muffin's.
So why does their poop all look so different?  The only days I have been sure about what they all have been eating are the day after corn and the day after kiwi.  The rest of the time I am convinced that they are eating at the neighbours.  Or finding full meals under the couch.
Or maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Biding My Time

Last week I took my Wren to see my sister in BC.  On Air Canada as they are the only airline that flies to the town near where my sister lives.  I am working on my letter to Air Canada regarding their ground staff in my head.  It is still too full of expletives and sarcasm to even hit paper. 

Bullsh*t

Tonight we had Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws.  It was not a big group of people and mine are the only children.  My father-in-law`s brother was there tonight, he comes in once in a while.  Normally we get along fine but tonight...

He was trying to get my Chickenbutt to say bullshit.  I told him to stop numerous times and eventually he got the hint.  What annoyed me more was that no one else stepped in.  Not my husband, not my mother-in-law, no one.  Clearly it was pissing me off and it was not appropriate.  He pouted all night either becasue I gave him shit or because Chickenbutt never did say it.

Now, I swear.  A lot.  My husband often calls me a sailor.  Chickenbutt already says, ``Dammit!``  which is entirely my fault.  She treatens to poke people right in the eye.  Also my fault.  The fact of the matter is those are things she picked up from ME not some great-uncle who drops in once every few months.  And I correct her when I catch her saying those things.  Because it is not cool (but I will admit it is kind of funny!).

F BOMB!

Ahh Youth

My girlfriend and I are taking a Zumba class.  The instructor tonight was a perky young girl who hopped around looking as if this was the easiest part of her day.

Ahhh to be in my twenties again.

Ahhh before the university 15!

Ahhh before the early marriage 20!

Ahhh before the two children in  under two years 60!


Weight loss is  a bitch!

Mother-in-Laws

So I can't believe that my mother-in-law did not immediately offer to make crab apple jelly with the 12 pounds of crab apples I have.  She did copy out the recipe for me and bring over the jars - without lids though.  How selfish.

I did make a few crab apple pies.  I make terrible pastry.  Even with the instructions from the good people at KitchenAid.  I should have just bought the ready made crusts like I usually do.  Tough crusts are what I get for trying to be Martha.

On a side note, Chrisco shortening is not to be used as a spread.  It says so right on the package.  That means that someone somewhere was eating it on toast like jam.  Gross.

It Finally Happened!

It is fairly common knowledge that my husband is a sleepwalker.  He is up several times a night talking (to be fair I talk once in a while, not since we had the kids though) and if he is really exhausted then he is wandering around as well.  One of his reoccurring dreams involves introducing himself to people at a party which I find funny.  His dreams that involve stopping crime or saving people are not so entertaining.  One night he grabbed my wrist and shook it.  He says he will go to the sleep clinic when he hits me in his sleep.  Great. 

I have been worried about our toddler.  She talks in her sleep a fair bit.  The other night she wanted to eat her supper.  Last night I caught her halfway down the hallway.  I am not sure what she was planning to do as she went back to be easily enough but thank Christ I caught her.  I do not need a free range toddler at night. 

I am thinking of putting the both of them in one room and locking the door.

Friday Night Fun

So another Friday night.  My husband is out at a golf tournament leaving me home alone with the kids (to be fair he rarely does this).  I have read the same book 14 times and watched a Sesame Street DVD.
Instead of using the time after the kids are in bed to be productive I watched The Rundown, again.  I am beginning to think that MovieTime has a limited selection.  I do enjoy a good action flick and find both Dwayne Johnson and Seann William Scott attractive.  In different ways.  I think I would have a better shot with The Rock though.  He seems like a guy that would be nicer about casual sex with an overweight housewife.  I am only guessing though so if Seann wants to show everyone what a nice guy he is that wold be fine.

And who doesn't love Christopher Walken?

Going to watch TMZ and go to bed.

They're hugging...I swear!

My toddler recently saw the Winnie the Pooh movie.  In my infinite wisdom I ordered some mint condition McDonald's toys from eBay.  Some collector out there cringed when I opened the package and handed these collector's items to my kid to play with.  We immediately lost Piglet in the mall, through the magic of eBay he came back again in about a week.  (At which point my original good deal went down the drain!)  Since Piglet's return the toys have been hugging each other a lot. 

I hope.

mmmTasty!

When my toddler was about 15 months she ate a few ladybugs. 

I am now babysitting my cousin's daughter (who is 3 days older than my baby) and SHE ate a ladybug today.

Babies: the natural enemy of ladybugs.

Why My Diet Isn't Working

***List is not exhaustive

• McDonald's serves breakfast until 11AM
• Wunderbar!
• Homemade cookies
• Pizza with my Grandma
• Cheese
• Reward smarties
• Coffee makes me hungry
• Store bought cookies
• PMS

Not the best idea...

Yesterday, I was trying to clean up before my friend and her boyfriend came to visit.  They live far away and we see them only a few times a year.  She has known me for at least 20 years and knows how messy I am so I am not sure what made me think I needed to do a super clean including vacuum UNDER the area rug.  I thought it would be a good idea to let the girls paint while I cleaned. 

It was not.

On the up side I did get the dining room floor washed.
And the walls by the highchair.
And the baby.
The toddler was fine.

Tasty

My toddler had Parmesan cheese for lunch.
That is all.
Literally.

Wednesday's Wisdom

If you are going to let the baby help unload the dishwasher maybe remove the steak knives first.

Quality Children's Programming

Apparently there is a petition out there to let Bert and Ernie get married.  This has led me to think of some other Sesame Street episodes that will be helpful to today's preschooler:

Biggest Loser: Big Bird
Can this canary reclaim his body after being obese for the last four decades? 

Hoarders: Oscar
Years of hoarding has isolated this monster from his neighbours.  Will he be able to get rid of his garbage or will his beloved pets, Fluffy the elephant and Slimy the worm, be taken by animal protection?

So You Think You Can Dance: Zoe
Does she make the final 12 or is this monster in for a huge does of reality?

Toddlers and Tiaras: Abby
Will this monster magically light up the stage to win ultimate grand supreme?

Freaky Eaters: Cookie Monster
What has years of cookie binging done to this monster's life?  Could his simple mind be due to malnutrition?

Intervention: Elmo
Will this little red monster choose his amphetamines or his friends and family?

Biography: Grover
Seriously, what is wrong with this guy?


Or everyone could just remember that they are PUPPETS and at night they go back to the storage room!

We are THOSE people

You know the people who have an old appliance in their yard. 

Meet the Dishwasher Family.

The worst part is our neighbours had not one but TWO appliances outside for months and we have ours out two weeks and theirs are suddenly gone.  I guess we have to keep up with the Jones.

Why we are not leaving the house tomorrow...

today my toddler ate:

• 1 1/2 cups of blueberries
• some saskatoon berry pie
• 1/2 cup of craisins
• a blueberry applesauce
•  10 cherries

As I was telling her she couldn't have any more cherries until she finished the applesauce I thought about all the fruit she had today. 
Maybe my husband will stay home tomorrow...I don't feel well.

A Question

Is it wrong to read other people's books in the bathroom?

What if you limit reading to the bathtub?

Does anyone have a good book to lend me???

A Concern

I find that one of my close friends and I think a lot alike. 

I am worried that we are sharing a brain and that she will have it on a day when I need it.

The udder woman knows who she is.

Two Things

First of all, the people who make salad dressings need to come to a consensus about the flow control tops.  Either all salad dressings should have them or none should.  No more of this half and half business.  I did not enjoy my bowl of jalapeno ranch with a small side of salad.  I don't even think we have enough lettuce in the house to create enough salad to make that a reasonable amount of dressing.

Secondly, my family is in serious danger of going back to the good old days when each family member had one spoon, bowl etc.  And all meals were made in one giant pot. 
Our dishwasher has died.

You know you are old when...

you make a lovely fruit salad for the kids, add Greek yogurt and then sprinkle All Bran Buds onto your serving.

Sigh

A Rousing Game of Peanut Butter

Object of the Game: To accumulate the most points over two rounds.

Number of Players: 2

Supplies:
               1 nearly empty jar all natural peanut butter
               1 unopened jar all natural peanut butter
               butter knives
               loaf of bread
               Lysol wipes
Optional Supplies:
               toaster
               jam
               honey
               bananas 
    
Goals:
      Round One: to use the last of the peanut butter.
      Round Two: to not be the one to open the new peanut butter

Scoring:
Round One:

• One point for each piece of bread covered in peanut butter.
• Negative one point for each piece of bread where another condiment/food is added.
• Negative one point for throwing out the peanut butter jar.
• Five points for washing out and recycling the peanut butter jar.

Round Two:

• One point for each time a player puts the new jar into the fridge.
• Negative one point for each time the new jar is removed from the fridge.
• Negative one point for opening the new jar.
• Negative one point for each surface peanut butter or peanut butter oil spills on while stirring the new jar.

June 2011 Peanut Butter Recap

Round One
Me: 2 points
2 slices of bread peanut buttered
Him:  -1 point

Threw out jar  

Round Two

Removed jar from fridge twice

Opened new jar

Got PB on counter, plant, diaper bag, floor, sticker book and coffee pot

Him: 2 points

Put jar in fridge twice

Final Score

Me: -5 Him 1

Me:  -7 points

Sigh

I wish Canada Post would head back to work, I have some Will & Kate stamps I want to use.

Friday Night Fun

Due to the gale force winds our (empty) tin shed blew over.  It did not hit our house or the neighbours - rather it wedged itself onto our front step.  My husband was out and I was alone with the kids, no neighbours were home either.  I had to wait 90 minutes for someone to come help me push it back into the yard (it was surprisingly heavy!).  I either need more friends or a better social life.

People of Walmart

Exactly how long was I walking around IN PUBLIC with the pocket half ripped off my pants exposing my granny panties??

For a Good Time...

take your toddler and your baby to your local McDonald's at 12:08PM.  Stand in line forever while the toddler demands fries and juice.  Wait for 10 minutes while the kid at the counter forgets to bring your tray out like he promised.  See that you did not get an iced coffee but rather another, larger apple juice which YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE.   Since you can't leave the kids alone at the table you settle for the juice. Spend an hour watching your toddler eat her fries with ketchup then take apart the cheeseburger and eat that as well. 
Good Times.

Wednesday's Wisdom

Although mashed banana and baby snot look the same they differ in taste.

Creeping out the Neighbours

I often wear my hair in two high ponytails to bed.  Especially with this new haircut.  I can not stand it have my hair loose all over my pillow.  This morning I went out to get the paper with my hair still up and realized that it must look like we do some kinky role playing.

No wonder we aren't friends with any of our neighbours.

A Little Bit of Me Died Today...

when I checked off the homemaker box as my occupation on the warranty card for my kitchenaid. 

Then I put my crocs on over my socks and left the house.

An Apology

To the ladies and kids I lunch with on Tuesdays: I don't think I wore deodorant yesterday. 
Sorry about that.

Really Wonderbra? Really?

So, I have had two underwires snap in the last little while.  This is tragic not only because one snapped during coffee with my inlaws but because I am a cheap and reluctant bra shopper.  I just want the exact one I was wearing and have broken in for the last two years.  Bra shopping is like pulling teeth or shoving DDDs into DDs (whichever).
Off I go to a certain store where you can buy a bra, eggs, bread and deodorant.  (So evil yet so convenient.)
I try on several full figured bras, I was a full figured girl then I had two kids in under two years and now I am a fuller figured girl.  I select a Wonderbra that is labelled as full figure but when I try it on it only has two hooks.  Seriously?  Two hooks?  I need at least four hooks to keep these babies in check.  If I could buy something that hooked from my shoulder blades to my ass I would.  (Why won't corsets come back into fashion?  Can you still buy a girdle?)
The good people at Wonderbra have no clue.  And get a full figured model will you?

Wednesday's Wisdom

Too much dried coconut causes a stomach ache.

Other side effects are likely immanent.

So Many Surgeons At the Library...

This morning I went for a lovely outing with a girlfriend and all our kids. 
We played at the park and watched a dance performance at the library.  
I could not believe how many people (three that I saw) were on cell phones during the event. 
Not texting, actually talking. 
How rude is that?  Not only to the performers but to your children (or in one case the children who are attending the daycare you work at!)! The only logical reason I can think of is that these (women) were doctors talking someone through emergency surgery.
I can not believe that people can not spend 40 minutes without talking to someone on a phone.  No need to tell your child they are not important, they can tell by your disinterest in their activities.    And probably overhear you talking on your cell about what a brat they are. 

It's Like I Want Food Poisoning

After my awesome bacon and spinach event I decided to be more careful.  Yesterday I thawed the chicken thighs in a ziplock in a sink of water.  Some water got into the bag (which should teach me to buy actual Ziplocks and not those crappy store brand ones) so I dumped the chicken water into the sink ALL OVER THE DRYING RACK.  Super.  Let the sterilization begin.

Impending E. coli Breakout Limited to One Household

So the other night I diced the bacon just like Rachael Ray told me too.  Then I rinsed the spinach (where does one find arugula here?) and put it down to dry on the raw bacony surface of the same cutting board.  I proceeded to finish making supper (which was delish!) and then realized that I likely have brought on a massive intestinal evacuation in my entire family. 
Stay tuned for updates (upchucks?)!

Wednedsay's Wisdom

Trains do not poop.

You know it and I know it.  A toddler does not know it.  A toddler does not want to know it.

Be secure in the knowledge that only people and animals poop and do not engage in any conversation related to poop and trains.  You will not come out victorious. 

At Least I Don't Live on the Street Where the House Exploded...

6:20am wake up call from Toddler.
Toddler falls off table at photo studio, scrapes nose.
Toddler's soother falls on floor at store.
Baby's bottle falls on floor at coffee shop.

Thank God for nap.

Watch same episode of Thomas the Tank Engine as yesterday.
Baby throws up entire bottle.
Cat plays in water dish and walks across table leaving foot prints everywhere.
Toddler falls on way to swimming pool, scrapes both knees.
Toddler poops in pool, poop particles escapes swim diaper.  Lessons cancelled for the night.
Seem to have not sorted recycling out of tea towel  load, have sent two applesauce containers and a yogurt lid through the washer.
Knock over Toddler while feeding Baby.
Pick up Toddler to comfort her, scrape face against glasses.

Baby still awake, open beer anyway.